backdated to mid-morning yesterday, oops!

[fading]

[if anyone has attempted to contact Nami to wish him a Merry Christmas, they'll have been informed that the number is currently not in service. this might have something to do with the fact that, inside Nami's trashed apartment, his phone is sitting in a puddle of paintwater, sparking. Nami's nowhere to be found!


there's a frantic Kai calling for Nami as he makes his way through the park. he can feel that Nami's still in the dressing room, but there's a wall between their connection so solid he can't sense anything other than that.]



(ooc: Nami got a heart for Christmas. unfortunately, he's had a lot of negativity 'bottled up' so to speak, and the sudden onslaught of proper emotion wasn't taken well. he's in hiding, having taken a portal straight from his apartment! responses will be from Kai, at least at first, despite the fact that the post is from Nami.)

Comments

[dawnrise]

[She wasn't expecting to find him straight away, and it stuns her momentarily. She lets the portal close behind her and sways from the effort it took, but immediately starts heading toward him. It won't be long before she's stopping in her tracks to stare.]

... Nami?

[fading]

[he makes this little noise in his throat like a wounded animal and curls in on himself tighter. hopefully she's not expecting a response. he's a bit lost in grief at the moment.]

[dawnrise]

[Riku stays where she is for a good half a minute, then she makes to keep walking and close the distance between them. She's almost wary, like he'll take off if she tries to get too close.]

[fading]

[Nami looks up at her after a moment. he looks like he's been crying hard for a while now, his eyes red and puffy, his nose running, the whole works.]

Why does it hurt so much?

[dawnrise]

[Oh, Nami. There's an agonized, sympathetic look on Riku's face when he says that, and she crouches down next to him and moves a hand to his shoulder.]

Because that's part of feeling.

[fading]

[he flinches at the touch and looks away, sinking down a bit.]

I'm not supposed to exist. Why do I exist, Riku? Why am I here?

[dawnrise]

[She doesn't remove her hand, but she doesn't try to get any closer.]

I can't tell you. I couldn't answer that no matter who was asking me, Nami.

[fading]

I don't want this, Riku. Please help me.

[yes, he is desperate enough to ask her to remove his heart.]

It's not like Kai's. It's not, it hurts, I feel like I can't even breathe--!

[dawnrise]

[Her eyes widen on understanding, but she shakes her head.]

I know. I know it's not. Kai can't feel things like this, his heart isn't capable of that kind of pain. But it won't last.

[fading]

[he just whimpers.]

How can you say that? How can you say that? It's all just cages, over and over, it's all I've known and been good for and it hurts. There's nothing good here.

[dawnrise]

Because I can feel that kind of pain. Because I know that even if it feels like it's never going to end, it will. Because I know there's more to you than that, more that you're good for than being caged, Nami. Even before you ever felt what it was like to have a heart, you were one of the bravest people I'd ever met.

[fading]

[he just makes a small, disbelieving noise.]

Brave. I'm not brave, Riku. I'm a coward and all I'm good for is my power.

[dawnrise]

You stood up to Marluxia. You and Kai were about to take on Saïx when I found you at the castle. You tried to stop me the night I infected you.

[She draws her hand down his back lightly, moving it back up to his shoulder soon after. She doesn't know how to comfort him like this.]

Anyone who's ever treated you like that was the truth was using you, but that's not because of you, and it's not your fault. They used anyone they could.

[fading]

I think there's a difference between bravery and desperation.

[her presence seems to be helping him a little. his arms are wrapped tightly around his legs, so she probably can't see the damage he did to his knuckles while trashing his apartment in anger and pain and all that, but he doesn't feel like doing that anymore, and he's pretty sure Riku being there has to do with that.]

[dawnrise]

Standing up to Marluxia wasn't desperation.

[Neither was finding her when she was a wolf, though who knows if she has that detail, too.]

Think about the people you're using for examples. We all know DiZ never had good intentions. What she did to you and Roxas wasn't right. I should have said that at the time.

[She probably did, though maybe not in those exact words. Thing is, she never said it to her face, not knowing if they would successfully wake Sora up again without DiZ's help.]

[fading]

[he doesn't respond, but Riku may be surprised when he shifts to attach to her for comfort. it still hurts an awful lot, and there's so much sadness and hate and self-loathing to wade through that he finds it hard to believe there's anything positive in his heart at all, but Riku makes him feel better.]

[dawnrise]

[She is a bit surprised, but of course she doesn't try to pull away from him or anything. She drapes her arm over him more, a hand over his shoulder, as if it's a protective wing or something equally good for sheltering him from this, even though she knows she can't.]

I'm sorry.

[fading]

I'm not ready for this, Riku. I'm not.

[he also doesn't think he deserves it, deep down. Riku may be right about the fact that Marluxia and DiZ aren't really good people to be basing one's self worth from, but it doesn't change the fact that, for a good chunk of his existence, they were the ones in charge of him.]

[dawnrise]

... I know. You're not.

[She agrees. That he's not ready, that is. She doesn't think he's ready at all. Her hand moves up to the end of his hair, but doesn't go any farther.]

But you'll have to learn how to deal with it anyway.

[fading]

I don't know how.

[he doesn't know what to do at all, really.]

[dawnrise]

That's why I said learn.

[She leans some of her weight on him, eyes closing. It seems like a lot happened very suddenly, and she feels like she should call Kai and let him know what's going on. But Nami's more important right now.]

[fading]

[Nami's not ready for Kai to know. he's got some really mixed feelings about him right now. he doesn't Kai to be disappointed by how he reacted to the sudden heart. but he's also angry at him. not for anything he consciously did, technically, but over the fact that in the end, before the DR granted him his own body, Kai was just another cage.]

[dawnrise]

[If Riku could know that, she would likely say something about Kai just being happy he could be angry at him, or something. Anger's a good emotion to feel. Honestly, Riku thinks it's a good thing that he has a heart, and not just because she cares about him and wants him to be able to feel things. If he's angry, he can deal with these things over time.

She waits a few minutes, not moving them at all, before she says anything else.]

Why did you come here?

[fading]

...I don't know. I wanted to be alone. I was always alone here.

[dawnrise]

Mm.

[She sounds understanding, and she is. Or at least, she feels like she can understand. A little.]

Guess I should tell you now I don't plan on leaving without you.