kingdomdressing | (no subject)

Or not, I'm just guessing.

[shrugs.]

I don't know, it could be. I hate saltines.

[after that, he just sits there quietly for a while, kicking his legs and watching the water hurry away in ripples, growing outward. and then he just starts... talking.]

The first time I got in this pool, I ended up having a conversation with myself - not me, but another me - for like... hours. I don't remember what we talked about, but when we were done, my fingers were all wrinkly.

[ hasn't the heart to interrupt him, pushing the bangs away from his face quietly. ]

He stuttered a lot and wouldn't put his cell phone down, even though it didn't work.

[lifts one leg out of the water and close to his chest, chin resting on his knee.]

The second time I got in, I'd planned on drowning myself. 'Was gonna sink to the bottom, and then breathe in until everything stopped.

... ...

[ that shouldn't be such a surprise - after all, it's not as if he knew much of the guy back then. ]

I learned how to tango instead. I'm still not any good at it, but it doesn't matter.

[scratches his cheek, fingers tapping against his chin.]

And then I thought about trying to kill myself with pills, but nobody takes pills around here. It's all potions, magical crap that shouldn't even be possible, but it is. So I started messing with this guy - blind, I think, but really perceptive - and he confused me for someone else, wanted to kill me. I kept telling him that he didn't want to and it made him angry, but that's what I wanted. I thought maybe if I made him mad enough, he really would kill me. He beat my up and broke my camera, and after that I just stopped trying to die.

[ as disheartening as the story is, riku doesn't have much of a place to just tell him to stop, frowning at the top of roxas' head. ]

I was convinced that I was crazy and I was never going to get out of whatever reality I'd created, but for some reason I didn't want to die anymore, so I just accepted it, but I still stayed away from everyone, because even though I made them up - or so I thought - I didn't know anything about them, and they didn't know anything about me, and I wanted it to stay that way. I told myself I wasn't crazy, that this was normal for someone like me, and that was it. I wasn't crazy.

And then you gave me a camera and told me 'Happy Birthday', and I was back to thinking I was crazy because you'd never do anything like that, right? But you did. I don't remember if I said thank you for that, so thank you. Again, maybe.

[lowers his head and presses his palm against his face, and then he starts to get up, swallowing thickly.]

I'm going to vomit.

[ it's hard to take that in alongside the realization that roxas is going to be sick, putting that out of sight and mind in favor of bigger fish to fry. ]

We passed a restroom on the way over.

[nods minutely, heading for those double doors.]

I-I'll be right back.

[ he'd be crazy to leave him alone - at least in his mind - so riku's trailing after him regardless, ever the overprotective one. ]

[the restroom isn't as far as Roxas thought it was, and when he finds it, he chooses the stall the farthest from the door and drops to his knees, hands resting on his thighs. he seems okay, breathing slow and deep, but then the composure is gone and he grips the edges of the toilet tightly, leaning forward and retching.]

[ since there's no hair to hold back or anything, all he can do is linger about and make a face at the noise. it's never pleasant, especially not from where it's coming from. ]

[when he's finished, he reaches blindly for a square of toilet paper, wipes his mouth, and then flushes before he slumps back against the stall wall. he breathes out heavily, presses the heels of his palms against his eyelids until red turns to yellow, and then he hauls himself to his feet and toward the sink so he can rinse out his mouth.]

... Sorry.

[ he's looking away, over at the edge of the door, arms folded. unobtrusive. ]

Don't apologize.

[rinse, spit, and it's like it never happened, only it'll probably happen again later because it's been happening all day. when he finally emerges, he offers an apologetic glance despite being told not to apologize.]

... stupid.

[ barely says it, putting another head on his head; what he's referencing is a little vague, though the look on his face is momentarily pained, too. ]

[he can't decide whether to lean toward or away from riku, and something like guilt casts a shadow over his features.]

I... I know. That's all I've ever been.

Not you.

[ there, it's gone. now he can feel more like himself, removing his hand and popping out his collar. why so sporty, riku. ]

Then who else?

[he sighs, pushing past him to get to the medicine cabinet.]

Doesn't matter.

It matters to me, but okay.

[closes the cabinet, lips pressed into a thin line.]

[ blows the hair out of his eyes. he's had enough sad stories for one day. ]

... if the antacid doesn't work in a couple hours, try some tea.

[nods, eyes slightly unfocused.]

I think... I think I just want to lay down.

That too.

[ he's already holding the door open. ]