kingdomdressing | i keep bleeding love

Entry tags:

roxas

i keep bleeding love

[He was angry. Angriest he's ever been in a very very long time. Papers were strewn all over his room and he was seated at a desk, trying to draw his frustrations away- simple to complex things, apples, jackets, etc.

He was crying, just thoroughly upset. Heart was broken again, how many times was it now? From the same guy too. Who woulda thunk it.

His wrist spasmed and pain shot through his arms. Clutching his wrist to his chest he huddled over, sobbing and swearing to himself]

F-Fuck.

FUCK!

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[reaches out to touch his shoulder, his hand actually shaking before he pulls it back. instead he sits on the edge of the bed, just out of sight]

... I'm sorry.

[that smile like sunshine gone- washed away. nothing but stormy clouds now]

Oh, the great Axel is apologizing to me. How fucking lovely.

Now get out of my room and leave me the fuck alone.

Forever.

[he just happens to be passing by when he catches something out of the corner of his eye. he pauses, backtracks a few steps, and peers through the open door curiously, brows furrowing. after a moment, he knocks twice against the open door, pushing the headphones on his head back to rest around his neck]

[looks up at the knock, looking at him before resting his forehead against his desk, still clutching his wrist. didn't feel like saying anything]

N-no! This isn't the fucking end of us -- it can't be!

R-roxas... [reaches out again, his hand closing on his shoulder as a stray tear runs down his cheek]

[can't look at him, and shrugs the hand away]

It was easier before. We could fuck who we want- it helped numb me. But I can't share you for real. The occasional threesome I can deal with it because it's just sex.

But not this.

Not this.

It doesn't feel right and it fucking hurts that you even considered it.

[leans his forehead on his desk]

Go find yourself another Roxas who can deal with this, because I can't. I love you too fucking much.

[he frowns a little, and after a moment's hesitation, he wanders in, coming to stand in front of Roxas. Silently, he removes his headphones, sets them on the desk, and then kneels in front of the boy. Murmur murmur.]

...H-Hey. You...You okay? What happened?

[in typical Axel fashion, he grabs Roxas, jerking him around to face him to let him see the tears in his eyes, the one on his cheek]

Are you fucking stupid, Roxas?

I. love. you.

[gives him a tired sad look]

They broke his arm for fucks sake. He asked me to help. I-I can't just...

[noted the tone of voice- ah, this Axel was deaf. wiping his eyes he sat up now, and steadying his still aching wrist, managed to write the gist of it;]

Someone I loved decided on something really fucking stupid- so I left. And it hurts. Everything hurts.

Stop touching me!

He asked you to HELP, so you help. You don't fall in love with him!

Do you even know what you're asking of me!?

You're the one who's stupid. I can't do this! And instead of breaking it off later, after I feel inadequate and shit, I'm doing it now.

[points to his door]

So go back to your abused little puppy. GO! I don't want to talk about this and I'm not changing my fucking mind. You're not the only one who's hurting, and I'd like to be left the fuck alone to mend what's left of my heart!

[he reads, lips pursed. after a moment, he frowns, and looks back up at him.]

...I'm sorry.

[gestures]

What happened to your wrist?

So you rather I fuck anything that moves, so long as I come back to you in the end? How the hell is that acceptable, but sharing my heart with two men isn't?

Besides, I don't love him, Roxas. I care for him, yes. But I'm not in love with him like I love you.

[his voice is soft now, trembling with emotion - such an unnatural sound]

I-I can't lose you. Roxas, it'd kill me. I..I need you.

Well I don't like or love him. And you can't ask me to share your heart with a complete stranger. You may care for him now, Ax... but how do I know that won't turn into love?

[his heart panged, but he had to hold firm on this]

I can't and won't accept it. I'm a selfish prick too.

[then he looked away, hands trembling]

You lost me once before, and you survived. You're Axel... you'll move on.

[i-it hurt too much. but he felt betrayed and his heart hurt too much]

If you don't want to 'lose' me, t-then just leave me alone for awhile. I can't even look at you right now.

...

I'm sorry.

[sniffing a little he waited for another spasm to pass]

I got bashed in the head with a baseball bat a year or so ago, and my wrist is buggered ever since.

...

It's nothing.

Roxas... please... don't do this.

I-I don't want to move on. Not without you.

[hangs his head, feeling absolutely at his wit's end]

Riku and I talked... he said he'd leave us alone. So you could have me all to yourself -- isn't that what you've always wanted?

Yes, it is. But I don't want you to be unhappy or angry with me because of it.

[rubs his head, his head throbbing from that near-fatal injury, another spasm shaking his wrist and arm]

I'm... tired.

I'm tired Axel.

[frowns]

Just give me a few days to think.

Have I ever been unhappy having you by my side before? Even if you annoyed the hell out of me, I still couldn't imagine not having you around.

[reaches out, still shaking fingers brushing his wrist]

I'm sorry, really. I-is there anything I can do? Besides leave?

[quiet, watching Axel's hand]

J-Just shut up.

You... can stay.

[he sounded pained, he didn't want him to stay- he just wanted to curl into bed and forget that the world existed for a little while]

But just don't... don't say anything.

[bites his lip and nods. instead of forcing Roxas to do anything, he simply rolled over onto the far side of the bed, curling up on his side and burying his face in the pillow]

[and he laid down on the other side, curled and just... crying quietly. his head hurt something fierce, and so did his heart. he was still for awhile before he looked over his shoulder at Axel.

...

sighing he curled into the man's back, forehead on his shoulder]

You're... really close to losing me forever.

[murmured thickly]

But you still have some of me. A-and... you won't have all of me until you really really understand why this hurts me so much.

I...

[swallows hard, the phlegm from all his crying catching in his throat, making his voice rough]

Roxas... you can have all of me. Every single inch...

[rolls over to face him, slowly, ever so carefully wrapping his arms around him]

[hesitates, but doesn't pull away]

Axel...

[moves closer, burying his head into his chest]

[presses a light kiss to his forehead, tightening his arms to bring the blond closer still]

Roxas...

[winces at the kiss, doesn't try and get too friendly. a little stiff in Axel's arms. he... it didn't feel right. but he supposed Axel needed it, so he said nothing and laid there]

[notices the wince and pulls back, loosening his grip, unable to keep the hurt from his face]

...

Sorry.

[murmured, and he did mean it. but he couldn't look at him]

N-no. It's fine.

[buries his face into blond hair, snuffling softly as he tries not to cry again]

[sighs. no, it wasn't fine. he wasn't sure it'd be fine either. it hurt to see Axel hurting- but he hurt too.]

...Mm.

[breathing into Roxas' hair, his voice choked up]

S-sorry... so sorry... really really sorry...

[tears spill from his own eyes and he closes his eyes tight]

P-Please... please stop.

[pulls back a little more, kissing away the tears running down his cheeks, keeping quiet]

[he didn't know what to do...]

D-Do you know how... how long I've waited to hear you say you were considering commitment?

When you were taking care of me after the bashing... I thought for sure you've started to love me like I did for you. I was waiting for it. Up in your loft, when we were talking over supper... you'd smile and approach the subject like it was the most important thing in the world- and my heart would stop and I was thinking 'this is it! He'll say he loves me and he'll want me!' but then you'd tell me about this hot guy you fucked at Babylon.

[hesitates]

I-It was like that this time... Except you wanted to bring the guy from Babylon into our lives. It was the same old disappointment all over again... except one too many and I snapped.

A-And for that I'm sorry- but I don't regret anything I said.

I'm really sorry that that Riku was abused, honest.

But...

[leans back, making sure they made eye-contact]

This is why... I think you should be with him. H-He... he deserves you more than I ever could. I know from experience that you take good care of people you care for.

[sits up, turning away]

Just... don't break his heart. I don't want him feeling the pain I've been feeling for years.

[reaches out to touch his shoulder, his eyes widening impossibly]

Roxas... no. I already told him I couldn't leave you.

I care for him, yeah... but I need you. That night you got bashed... I was terrified I'd lose you forever. That you'd die and I'd be all alone again.

I'm sorry I fucked up. Please...

[he watched him, very quiet for a long time. hesitant he leaned forward, pressing his lips to Axel's, kissing him softly.

he... had nothing to say, really]

[he kept the kiss just as gentle, terrified that he'd scare the fragile boy away. they certainly weren't perfect, but as long as the blond was by his side... things would get better. they'd smooth out the rough edges, and slowly work their way back to functional]

[fingers trembled as they brushed along Axel's jawline and pushed through his hair, deepening the kiss just a little. As much as he wanted to just... indulge, he refrained from doing so- pulling back, but not too far]

I'll... still need a day or two, to think things through. But I want you to stay tonight.

I-I don't want to be alone either.

[shivers under the light touch, a blush dusting his cheeks]

T-thank you...

[leans forward just the few inches to make their lips meet again]

[he didn't say anything else, instead he kissed him back- one peck, two before he kissed him a little harder. though he was controlling himself, hands staying in Axel's hair- not roaming like he wanted to do.]

We should probably get some sleep now.

[murmured against his lips]

[purring contently under those hands, pulling Roxas closer to him]

I suppose so...

[wanted to resist, he really really did. but fingers curled into Axel's hair, kissing him again... his resolve and willpower were shit and he hated it.

yeah. sleep.

...

sleep.

p-pulls away, trying to avert his gaze]

[catches the look after he pulls away, and decides to throw caution to the win as he leans in, catching the blond's lips with his own, kissing him just a bit harder like he was trying to prove he was really there]

[groans slightly, fingers clutching at Axel's chest now. d-dammit. he kissed him back, of course, just as hard (maybe a little harder?) he could hardly help himself.

...

Axel was cheating.]

[deepens the kiss just enough to brush his tongue against Roxas', damn near whimpering in response. god, how he had wanted this. of all the tricks he had had -- here or even in his world -- Roxas was still the one who could stop his heart from across the room, who still made his breath catch when he walked into their bedroom in nothing but a towel]

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i keep bleeding love

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